At my church this summer we are talking about what it means to be "the church" and no, it's not the building. Last week we talked about the church as community. We broke into groups and started talking about this subject and our task was to come up with one word...only one...that defined community. Leave it to my group to get the woman full of godly (yes small "g") wisdom. The first thing she said was "community is love!" I could not contain my disdain (surprising I know) and I said that I disagreed that community=love. I said that personally, I lived in community with people I couldn't stand and could not fathom loving...so to me, community did not equal love. This is a whole other post for another day.
She would not leave me alone. After church she talked to me again about different things. I have found myself, this week, thinking about her and praying for her. I want the Jesus that I know and love to be the same Jesus she knows. However, she is still full of shitty church talk about things being "God's will" or "knowing God is in control" and other such nonsense. Yet, still, here it is Tuesday and I'm still worried about her and praying for her and wanting her to know that Jesus is close to her and her son and their issues. I pray for God's peace and presence and that she would pray loudly for what she wants...asking God boldly to give her and her son healing, peace and the exact therapy they want. Approach boldly - like you know God will do this because he loves you! If for no other reason!
Linda, I pray for you and your son today - that God would answer your prayers exactly as you ask - not "if its his will" because I know he loves you and I want him to show you so you can leave the church-talk behind. Now, can I think of something else?
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I have to tell you that the other day at work I was in a meeting that I had to leave early because of the need to take my husband into the doctor. In telling everyone what was going on, they wanted to pray for us. Of course I accept prayer, believe in it, desire it, and cling to it. But I have to say that I had great distain for the words that where spoken "heal him if that is your will." Are you kidding me, I want nothing more than for him to be healed - that is all I want. I don't want to serve a god who's will is for my husband to be bent of a toilet for the rest of his life, or to have cancer, or to die. And yes, those are my underlying deep down secret fears right now. It’s what keeps me up at night, it’s that pit in the bottom of my stomach right now. Aren't we suppose to approach the throne (the real one not the one my husband has been bent over) boldly? Where did we learn these words and why to the roll of the tongue so easily? Do we even think about what it means?
Like many other things about God...I don't know how this all works either. I hate the phrases we add on to our prayers like "If its Your will.." because that isn't honestly how we really feel. At least its not how I feel in those situations. I think crying out to God honestly is the best way.
But, then, that's hard for me because I think then I fear that if He doesn't do what I'm asking that I won't believe in Him, or not as much as I did. That's the honest truth...I think that's why its so hard for me to pray for healing - I can't deal with the disappointment...
I just remember as a junior higher having numerous Sunday School or Bible Study teachers tell me that we must follow the "will of God" for our lives. Then going home and seriously not knowing what that was or how to find the elusive will.
It's like HP and his horcruxes...they are hidden and you must go through a lot of danger to find them. I don't want B&E to feel as bad as I did when I was that age for not knowing what HIS WILL was. I still don't know what it is but I think that Matthew 6 is a hell of a place to start looking.
Maybe you talked to her, but Linda's son got into the rehab they wanted instead of the nursing home...so I guess it was God's will??
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